A glimmer of sunshine shines through the window. I feel a little better today, possibly owing to the weather, I don't know. I'm looking forward to getting back to my script anyway. I'm almost at the end, and can't wait to print off the first draft an start reading through it with a red pen. And quite frankly, I'm thoroughly looking forward to getting started on my next one, I'm thinking something along the lines of a romantic comedy! You know there's a scene in American Sweethearts (2001 - Joe Roth) which parodies the clichéd scene where the female confidently asks the male if that's a gun in his pocket, or if he's just happy to see her, and John Cusack replies: "Oh, no, that's a gun" (or something to that effect) before pulling a revolver out of his pocket and shooting her. And I thought of of that scene long before then! And in America's Sweethearts it's wasted in a dream! In the proper context that could have been hilarious! Whatever, it was written by Billy Crystal, so, I really shouldn't hold a grudge (and PeterTolan who wrote 'Analyze This').
Anyway, the good news is, Deviltheories will be spared from all my political and economical posts as I've been asked to write for citizeneconomist.com. Somewhere where I think I'll be able to vent my political frustrations to a wider audience! Just another endorsement of my geekiness!
Friday, 19 December 2008
Thursday, 18 December 2008
Mumbling
I've got a whole load of crap going on in my mind, in a way it's like I'm on cruise control, maintaining a healthy speed and travelling in pre-determined direction, but without any flare. I'm enjoying writing my script, and it's almost finished, well, the first draft is anyway. It's almost as though that's the only thing which is keeping me sane lately.
I had an argument with my Mum today about her smoking. She invited a friend over for dinner yesterday, and it was all very congenial and everything, I made an appearance, said hello and did everything that was expected of me before going to the gym, but I was appalled at this lady's cough, which was evidently as a direct result of her smoking. It was uncontrollable, you could tell it embarrassed her, and had to do your best to look away or take a drink until she finished, as though it was perfectly normal. I hate to think that my Mum could develop a cough like that, and find the fact that people partake in such a hobby absolutely ridiculous. it's funny, my Mother has always told me (and still does) that if I get a motorbike, she'll hack off the wheels because it's so dangerous, but at least on a bike, you only hurt yourself if you fall off. It's not like every time you ride into town, several times a day, you are damaging your own body. I just don't know how to help, every time I bring it, she blocks out anything I have to say.
Then, today, talking to my sister, still under the false impression Christmas is about family, I bring up our small reunion on the 25th, which would be the first time we'd have spent Christmas with her in four years, to be told she didn't remember ever mentioning it and had already arranged to spend it with her mother in law (who the kids aren't terribly fond of). Tip top, what a way to finish the day.
I feel angry. In a way, I'm also feeling worthless. That isn't solely as a result of the day's outcome, but, generally. I guess I'll do what I always do, look at it as a challenge, try and find a way to overcome it, deducting what I tell myself is a valuable lesson in the process, which I'll use to pacify my upset. I'll throw on a hoodie, update my iPod, go to the gym and hope my writer's bock has lifted by tomorrow.
I had an argument with my Mum today about her smoking. She invited a friend over for dinner yesterday, and it was all very congenial and everything, I made an appearance, said hello and did everything that was expected of me before going to the gym, but I was appalled at this lady's cough, which was evidently as a direct result of her smoking. It was uncontrollable, you could tell it embarrassed her, and had to do your best to look away or take a drink until she finished, as though it was perfectly normal. I hate to think that my Mum could develop a cough like that, and find the fact that people partake in such a hobby absolutely ridiculous. it's funny, my Mother has always told me (and still does) that if I get a motorbike, she'll hack off the wheels because it's so dangerous, but at least on a bike, you only hurt yourself if you fall off. It's not like every time you ride into town, several times a day, you are damaging your own body. I just don't know how to help, every time I bring it, she blocks out anything I have to say.
Then, today, talking to my sister, still under the false impression Christmas is about family, I bring up our small reunion on the 25th, which would be the first time we'd have spent Christmas with her in four years, to be told she didn't remember ever mentioning it and had already arranged to spend it with her mother in law (who the kids aren't terribly fond of). Tip top, what a way to finish the day.
I feel angry. In a way, I'm also feeling worthless. That isn't solely as a result of the day's outcome, but, generally. I guess I'll do what I always do, look at it as a challenge, try and find a way to overcome it, deducting what I tell myself is a valuable lesson in the process, which I'll use to pacify my upset. I'll throw on a hoodie, update my iPod, go to the gym and hope my writer's bock has lifted by tomorrow.
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Tribute to the Microsoft Office Assistant
The following conversation between me and Jodie, is all about this little dude - surely you remember him don't you.
Behemoth says:
I don't know about you, but I miss this little guy!
Behemoth says:
The old office assistant
Behemoth says:
don't you?
Jodie says:
not at all
Jodie says:
I never talk to him EVER
Behemoth says:
Don't you remember the good old days? Back in 98, just you him, talking about grammar and punctuation?
Behemoth says:
He was always there for you whenever you were unsure
Jodie says:
I never talk to him .. that's the point lol
Behemoth says:
lolololol, well that's just cruel!
Behemoth says:
But you have seen him haven't you?
Jodie says:
I know lol he was trying HARD
Jodie says:
yeah
Jodie says:
I ignored him
Jodie says:
all the time
Behemoth says:
lololololololo - yeah, he was a persistent little bugger!
Behemoth says:
But all he wanted was what was best for you
Behemoth says:
so selfless, always smiling, never a dull moment with paperclip office assistant
Behemoth says:
look at his sweet little face, those puppy dog eyes... It wasn't his fault the poor guy was born a paperclip
Behemoth says:
:(
Jodie says:
lol
Behemoth says:
But he didn't let it get him down
Behemoth says:
oh no
Behemoth says:
never a frown from Mr Paperclip man...
Behemoth says:
But we rejected him Jodie. WE REJECTED HIM
Behemoth says:
And now, now he's gone
Jodie says:
THANK GOD
Behemoth says:
and it's our fault
Behemoth says:
llololol
Behemoth says:
What did he ever do to you Jodie but try and help?
Jodie says:
he interrupted me when I was working
Behemoth says:
Only because you wrote a fragment and you should have considered reversing it
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Reality Television
What’s on television? “I seriously think, without overreacting, I’ve done about eighty farts today” That’s what’s on television in the form of the tediously objectionable ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’. Other such shows include Army Chefs, which follows army chefs in the kitchen and on the battlefield, of course, owing to its scope, nothing too extreme happens in either setting, throughout an entire episode, a convoy broke down, and an oven door didn’t open. Axemen is another example, which follows workers supposedly doing the most dangerous job in the world, cutting down trees. I remember seeing adverts on London underground for it before it began. “You lose spreadsheets, they lose limbs” and “On a good day you only lose a finger” made me eagerly anticipate watching the show, which proved thoroughly disappointing, as the most exciting thing that happened, was a heavy tree stump rolling down a hill very quickly, missing workers by twenty yards. Oh, a guy also had a bad back this one time. (Woah – a woman (supposedly a celebrity) just told the fart guy that whatever woman gets him will be a very lucky woman). I am surprised how many reality shows revolve around mundane professions. COPS was fairly interesting, something new everyday, new crooks, hookers, drugs, guns, chases, same crooks (uh, interesting twist), pimps and burglars, quite an entertaining concoction. Then we had a variation on cops, helicopter cops! Still, you know, fairly interesting, lots of chases, nightvision and whatnot. Then, after a while, they kept the helicopters but replaced the cops with paramedics, and created Mountain Rescue. Then somehow, cooking became interesting, something different everyday? Well, that depends on how you interpret something different everyday! I mean, if “something different“means the difference between providing technical support from your desk one day and selling that new software package to Nokia in Sweden the next, then that’s fair enough, and even though you’re not quite James Bond, I can sort of see where’d you’d be coming from! But telling me you experience something new everyday because you cooked new potatoes today, and watch out, you’ll be cooking Jersey potatoes tomorrow, just doesn’t cut the butter! (Thank you, I’ll be here a week!) What I’d really like to see on TV is ‘Extreme Accounting’! I know you’re thinking, “Don’t be ridiculous! That would never work!” But had I suggested in 1999 that people would be entertained by the conflict between mixing crème fresh and quiche at the risk of overshadowing the basil, you might also have believed that people would be equally as entertained by watching someone try and cover up a missing receipt at the expense of the director, before having to justify their decision having been thwarted by their incompetent secretary!
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Hmmmmmmm!
A variation on CNN me arse, today's post is more about my slothful tendency to sit around the house for fear of the cold outside, writing these entries! My previous post was about tesco.com, and my penultimate one was all about my new glasses. Is it just me or do I really need to get out more? The latter I'm sure! I feel as though my friends are losing interest in me, and I act all surprised! As if the reasons why aren''t obvious enough! Because all I have to talk about are the shapes of the jumper fluff I pull out of my umbilical whilst laying in bed staring at the ceiling! Whoop-di-doo, aren't I just a barrel of laughs? Although, most of my writing lately has been very productive, my untitled screenplay is coming on very well... I just need more, well, action. (In my screenplay (just in case you thought I was saying I needed more action!)) Just to add to the pathos of the whole thing, I find myself writing this listening to early 90's music, I wonder how many of you know who Marky Mark is!
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Shopping!
I did my grocery shopping online at Tesco.com yesterday. And low and behold, it arrived today! It was very exciting. I got twelve tomatoes too many which I don't remember ordering, but everything else was as it should have been! I didn't know whether or not to tip the dudes who delivered it. Tipping is aways complicated, and it's different from country to country. In England you tip waiters if they deserve it, taxi drivers regardless of whether they deserve it or not and pizza delivery guys but in Portugal you rarely tip anybody, maybe occasionally the odd taxi driver if they help you with your shopping, though when they introduced the 'putting stuff in the boot' fee, those tips soon stopped! In the USA you tip everyone, taxi drivers, delivery guys, members of the US House of Representatives, and waiters because their salary barrel covers their rent in some cities, in fact, tipping waiters is so common, that the government taxes their tips! (That's almost like Oxfam selling shares). Anyway, I've been thinking about buying stuff online, and come to the conclusion that, we needn't ever again leave the house! You can work from home using the Internet, play poker, buy food, download movies, talk to your family face to face, chat with your friends, order food visit anywhere the world in 3D, and of course, buy clothes! But why would you need them? Pamas.com will become huge! Hey! There isn't a pajamas.com! I should buy that!
Monday, 10 November 2008
Glasses, Status Updates and Thanks!
Thank You!
I can't thank everybody enough who helped my Mum. Thank you Silvina, Idalina, Peter, Janet, Mark, Mr Manuel, Vinnie, Doris, Luis and his Mum, Phillipos just for being there, and above all Hugo, who also has my dog, and threatens to kill him if I dare pay him a cent! Thank you so much to all of you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm back on the blogging scene again... Admittedly, my last post was a bit weird, and even though I was right, have no idea why I bothered writing it. I guess because it infuriated me that so many people complain over such nonsense. If the BBC didn't want sarcastic, childish humour, they shouldn't have hired Russel Brand. End of story.
Anyway, my Mum has arrived, she's been here for just over a week now, and I've been busy looking after her, she is recovering a lot faster than we expected nevertheless, and should be good soon. I've lost track of my diet and my fb scrabble playing, thankfully, nobody forced me to forfeit! What's been happening then? Not a whole lot! My four year old Armani frames broke, forcing me to buy a new pair of glasses. I booked an eye test at Specsavers, one of the leading opticians in the UK, as they offer two pairs of 'designer' glasses for the price of one (although I don't know how 'designer' Osiris and Red or Dead can be (and if there's one thing I know about glasses, it's that you get what you pay for!)). On my way to the store, I began wondering how Specsavers make their money, and concluded that I must enquire as to the total cost, before committing myself t a £20.00 eye test... Which was rather cunning of me, as, after the cost of test, the thinning of the lenses, the anti-glare and anti-scratch the price quickly went up from £120.00 to £265.00! Just like that! So, with a pair of Oakley's in mind, I went to Vision Express, and had me eye test done there. I bought a pair of Titanium Oakleys, with a two year warranty and accident cover, a hydraulic cleaning system (whatever the hell that is) and all of the above in regard to the (Zeiss) lenses! I negotiated £50.00 off the price, and ended up paying £296.00. In the meantime however, I need to wear my quite noticeably broken glasses, and of course you forget they're broken, and wonder why you get weird looks from people.
What is it with fb status updates anyway? Why would you want to advertise your life to people? Why to you need to tell everyone you're looking forward to the Aqua concert next week? Do you even care about other peoples status updates? If they're funny, or philosophical it's not too bad, that way they either make you laugh, or change your perception of something which may also be pertinent to you... but when they read: "Victoria just wants a longer and bigger cuddle from her Rigsbyx." I can't help thinking to myself 'I DON'T CARE!' I mean come on, who's life is so mundane and tedious they write: "Katie ate too much potato." How hard up for material are they? She must be thinking to herself: "Need to update to fb status, nothing that interesting has happened lately, the Aqua concert isn't until the day after tomorrow, and if I write I'm looking forward to that now, what will I write tomorrow? Damn! Need to do something interesting... I know! I'm going to eat loads of potatoes!" Or hey, check this one out: "Adam almost finished his assignment." WHICH ASSIGNMENT? Are you a secret agent now Adam? Which makes me wonder, what would James Bond write? "James is looking forward to executing Dmitry Medvedev" you can just imagine Bond tied to a metal table being interrogated, the baddie asks him what his real name is, to which Bond replies: "Roger Gooding, I'm a journalist from the Mail on Sunday!" and the baddie replying: "According to your facebook you're James Bond and you're a spy form the MI5"!
Oh! Check this one out: "Isabelle is listening to The Dynamites and Charles Walker interview on the The Craig Charles Funk & Soul Show on BBC RADIO 6 music."... STILL??? Or this one: "Katie is Dead" THEN HOW THE HELL DID SHE EAT TOO MANY POTATOES? Dumb, stupid, nonsensical idiot!
"Anabel is having strange dreams. An almost decapitated foot and a raspberry plant growing out of her thigh." - How the hell do you decapitate a foot? Does your foot have a head? Dopey! (It's always fun outsmarting an Oxford student!) Which is something else I don't get, how can someone with over over one hundred friends write the following? "Heather is... you know your in love when reality is finally, better then your dreams." And there's implied embarrassment too if one of those friends is an impulsive blogger!
Anyway, in a protest against fb status updates, for the next week I am going to write the silliest, most random, absolutely pointless status updates I can think of! I will also note them on Deviltheories!
I can't thank everybody enough who helped my Mum. Thank you Silvina, Idalina, Peter, Janet, Mark, Mr Manuel, Vinnie, Doris, Luis and his Mum, Phillipos just for being there, and above all Hugo, who also has my dog, and threatens to kill him if I dare pay him a cent! Thank you so much to all of you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm back on the blogging scene again... Admittedly, my last post was a bit weird, and even though I was right, have no idea why I bothered writing it. I guess because it infuriated me that so many people complain over such nonsense. If the BBC didn't want sarcastic, childish humour, they shouldn't have hired Russel Brand. End of story.
Anyway, my Mum has arrived, she's been here for just over a week now, and I've been busy looking after her, she is recovering a lot faster than we expected nevertheless, and should be good soon. I've lost track of my diet and my fb scrabble playing, thankfully, nobody forced me to forfeit! What's been happening then? Not a whole lot! My four year old Armani frames broke, forcing me to buy a new pair of glasses. I booked an eye test at Specsavers, one of the leading opticians in the UK, as they offer two pairs of 'designer' glasses for the price of one (although I don't know how 'designer' Osiris and Red or Dead can be (and if there's one thing I know about glasses, it's that you get what you pay for!)). On my way to the store, I began wondering how Specsavers make their money, and concluded that I must enquire as to the total cost, before committing myself t a £20.00 eye test... Which was rather cunning of me, as, after the cost of test, the thinning of the lenses, the anti-glare and anti-scratch the price quickly went up from £120.00 to £265.00! Just like that! So, with a pair of Oakley's in mind, I went to Vision Express, and had me eye test done there. I bought a pair of Titanium Oakleys, with a two year warranty and accident cover, a hydraulic cleaning system (whatever the hell that is) and all of the above in regard to the (Zeiss) lenses! I negotiated £50.00 off the price, and ended up paying £296.00. In the meantime however, I need to wear my quite noticeably broken glasses, and of course you forget they're broken, and wonder why you get weird looks from people.
What is it with fb status updates anyway? Why would you want to advertise your life to people? Why to you need to tell everyone you're looking forward to the Aqua concert next week? Do you even care about other peoples status updates? If they're funny, or philosophical it's not too bad, that way they either make you laugh, or change your perception of something which may also be pertinent to you... but when they read: "Victoria just wants a longer and bigger cuddle from her Rigsbyx." I can't help thinking to myself 'I DON'T CARE!' I mean come on, who's life is so mundane and tedious they write: "Katie ate too much potato." How hard up for material are they? She must be thinking to herself: "Need to update to fb status, nothing that interesting has happened lately, the Aqua concert isn't until the day after tomorrow, and if I write I'm looking forward to that now, what will I write tomorrow? Damn! Need to do something interesting... I know! I'm going to eat loads of potatoes!" Or hey, check this one out: "Adam almost finished his assignment." WHICH ASSIGNMENT? Are you a secret agent now Adam? Which makes me wonder, what would James Bond write? "James is looking forward to executing Dmitry Medvedev" you can just imagine Bond tied to a metal table being interrogated, the baddie asks him what his real name is, to which Bond replies: "Roger Gooding, I'm a journalist from the Mail on Sunday!" and the baddie replying: "According to your facebook you're James Bond and you're a spy form the MI5"!
Oh! Check this one out: "Isabelle is listening to The Dynamites and Charles Walker interview on the The Craig Charles Funk & Soul Show on BBC RADIO 6 music."... STILL??? Or this one: "Katie is Dead" THEN HOW THE HELL DID SHE EAT TOO MANY POTATOES? Dumb, stupid, nonsensical idiot!
"Anabel is having strange dreams. An almost decapitated foot and a raspberry plant growing out of her thigh." - How the hell do you decapitate a foot? Does your foot have a head? Dopey! (It's always fun outsmarting an Oxford student!) Which is something else I don't get, how can someone with over over one hundred friends write the following? "Heather is... you know your in love when reality is finally, better then your dreams." And there's implied embarrassment too if one of those friends is an impulsive blogger!
Anyway, in a protest against fb status updates, for the next week I am going to write the silliest, most random, absolutely pointless status updates I can think of! I will also note them on Deviltheories!
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