Reality Television

What’s on television? “I seriously think, without overreacting, I’ve done about eighty farts today” That’s what’s on television in the form of the tediously objectionable ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’. Other such shows include Army Chefs, which follows army chefs in the kitchen and on the battlefield, of course, owing to its scope, nothing too extreme happens in either setting, throughout an entire episode, a convoy broke down, and an oven door didn’t open. Axemen is another example, which follows workers supposedly doing the most dangerous job in the world, cutting down trees. I remember seeing adverts on London underground for it before it began. “You lose spreadsheets, they lose limbs” and “On a good day you only lose a finger” made me eagerly anticipate watching the show, which proved thoroughly disappointing, as the most exciting thing that happened, was a heavy tree stump rolling down a hill very quickly, missing workers by twenty yards. Oh, a guy also had a bad back this one time. (Woah – a woman (supposedly a celebrity) just told the fart guy that whatever woman gets him will be a very lucky woman). I am surprised how many reality shows revolve around mundane professions. COPS was fairly interesting, something new everyday, new crooks, hookers, drugs, guns, chases, same crooks (uh, interesting twist), pimps and burglars, quite an entertaining concoction. Then we had a variation on cops, helicopter cops! Still, you know, fairly interesting, lots of chases, nightvision and whatnot. Then, after a while, they kept the helicopters but replaced the cops with paramedics, and created Mountain Rescue. Then somehow, cooking became interesting, something different everyday? Well, that depends on how you interpret something different everyday! I mean, if “something different“means the difference between providing technical support from your desk one day and selling that new software package to Nokia in Sweden the next, then that’s fair enough, and even though you’re not quite James Bond, I can sort of see where’d you’d be coming from! But telling me you experience something new everyday because you cooked new potatoes today, and watch out, you’ll be cooking Jersey potatoes tomorrow, just doesn’t cut the butter! (Thank you, I’ll be here a week!) What I’d really like to see on TV is ‘Extreme Accounting’! I know you’re thinking, “Don’t be ridiculous! That would never work!” But had I suggested in 1999 that people would be entertained by the conflict between mixing crème fresh and quiche at the risk of overshadowing the basil, you might also have believed that people would be equally as entertained by watching someone try and cover up a missing receipt at the expense of the director, before having to justify their decision having been thwarted by their incompetent secretary!