Don't Ask! A Westerner's Answer to Beijing's Advice to Local Residents

The publicity department of Dongcheng District in China have issued advice as to educate residents on how to properly welcome visitors during the Olympic Games in Beijing. Apparently locals are advised not to ask foreigners personal questions about their age, salary, love life, health, income, political views, religious beliefs, or personal experiences. So, my question is, what is there left to talk about? Are locals supposed to discuss the weather and ask the foreigners if they want tea? When in Beijing, do as the Beijing...erm...ians surely. We should be the ones being educated as to how to conduct ourselves and what to expect surely? We should be told not to get offended or 'respond negatively' to slightly more personal questions than maybe we're used to! On one hand I feel upset that we're considered to be so shallow, and on the other, realize that that's exactly why we're looked at the way we are. It's stupid, nobody really get along like 'a house on fire' anymore in the UK. And it's probably because people are looked at strangely if they do ask health, love or money related questions when they first get to know someone. Where I come from in Portugal we can chat happily about political stances, salaries, health, love, age, religion and personal experiences, in fact, if we don't cover those topics, we don't really feel as tough we've properly gotten to know each other. If we disagree with someones views, we're open minded enough to respect their stance without judging them, and move on! So, all I want to say to China, is, sorry. We're not all like that, some of us don't take offence at every little, mildly controversial thing we come across! And the fact that prudence is being advised, puts me off visiting quite frankly. It's like preparing to go to Egypt, and realising that there are plans in place to build a dome over the pyramids as foreigners might construe them as being too phallic. Or going to Thailand and reading that the locals have been advised to be considerably more pessimistic around Brits, and complain incessantly about the weather. Ok, I may be exaggerating, but my point is that it's part of their culture, the Chinese way of life, if we don't like it, we shouldn't visit! It's a stupid English habit, travelling abroad and expecting things to be the same as they are in the UK! As soon as Brits land most of them buy a copy of an English newspaper, a variety of English food, before visiting English pubs, making other English friends and watching English television! By the time they leave, they've eaten about as much local cuisine as they would have had they stayed in England and gone out for a meal! So to resolve this once and for all, and prove that I have no problem answering the forbidden questions, here they are!

How old am I?
I'm 22

How's my salary?
Good, I don't have any qualms in regard to the system (apart from the usual 'I'm not happy with how my taxes are spent' ones!)

How's my love life?
It sucks, all the best women are married and all the handsome men are gay. My single friends see me as a good listener and a shoulder to cry on, and my friends who are in a relationship, tell me they're surprised I don't have a girlfriend. And if I did have a girlfriend, I doubt I'd have a lot of time to spend with her without neglecitng my fitness and my poker career! (I say career, I've got 50 bucks!)

Hows my health?
Good, my stamina in exceptional, I eat healthily, I don't drink, smoke or take drugs and enjoy active pass times.

What's my income?
Just above average.

What are my political views?
Extreme, I believe the system should entail tougher sentencing, reinstate punishment and the death sentence and more money should be spent on policing than war. A cross between Holland and Singapore would be good! And I should be the President, and Hugo should be the Prime Minister.

What are my religious beliefs?
I look upon religion as I look upon World of Warcraft, lots of people take it very seriously and enjoy it at their own cost, but it bears no semblance on real life. (Uuuuuh, watch out Brits, something controversial... "Did he just say that? Oh my God")

Personal experiences?
Where should I begin?

There! What's the big deal? Don't you feel as thought you've just gotten to know me a whole lot better now? In fact, you could argue that they are the key questions in getting to know someone! In contrast to the following dialogue I exchanged with a Taxi driver not too long ago, during a 5 minute journey:

Isn't it a lovely day?
Yes it's a lovely day, not too humid either.

Are those fish and chips good?
Yes they're the best n town.

I know nothing about the guy!!! Other than that he likes fish and chips and considers clear skies and warm weather lovely! Had I got in the cab, told him where I was going, and said, "So, mate, you a Jew? Jews make good money right? Suppose it comes down to all those personal experiences" at which point I wink at him through the rear view mirror, and add "you scratch my back and I'll scratch your and all that! That bloody Hitler, I mean at your age you probably remember the camps! How's Brown treating your type anyway?" It would all have been much more interesting!

So, bearing in mind what you shouldn't mention, let's focus on what you can mention! Imagine a Chinese dude sitting next to a tourist on a train on the way to the 100m event, and he wants to strike up a conversation. Normally he'd ask, "where are you from?" However, having read the posters he's afraid this might lead to a personal experience or political debate. He thinks about everything he can't say, 3 stops go by, and he keeps noticing the tourist look up next to him in the reflection of the train window opposite them. "Not work" he thinks "Not marriage, not money, not the Olympics because they're political, not health..." baffled, the Chines man looks at the tourist as they pull up to their final stop, he smiles, then asks: "So, you gay?"

I know, I know, it's a bad joke, but hey, they didn't mention not talking about sexuality in the poster! Anyway, I hope you've read this far, because I've left the best until last, check this out:

'Another poster gives advice on talking to disabled people. They are told not to use phrases such as "it's up there," or "it's over there" when talking to anyone visually impaired.

Instead, people are recommended to use "you are really great," or "you are wonderful," the poster says.'

I'd have thought, that a nation which has proved itself scientifically more advanced than the UK, would know not to tell a visually impaired person, "It's over there" while pointing in the respective direction. But I have to say, I'm surprised that the publicity department of Dongcheng District felt this important enough to spend time creating another poster. I mean, do many visually impaired people go to watch the Olympics anyway? But what really gets me is the 'Instead' in the above paragraph. Does this mean that if a visually impaired person walks up to somebody in the street and asks where there's a bank, you're supposed to reply: "You are really wonderful!"? And how do you give someone who's visually impaired and foreign directions anyway?

I get the impression that the second poster wasn't thoroughly through through! But I think it's great that China are going to all this trouble to put their visitors at ease.

So, on a different note, I want to tell you why I don't play on Full Tilt Poker! One of the best promoted and most used sites in the world! One of their slogans is 'Come play with the pro's' which has obviously proven to be a great incentive for lots of people. For all the glory players, who think to themselves: "Yeah, I'm going to beat the pro's, then make lots of money, then I'll be a pro too!" The only problem to that otherwise great plan, is that you're playing with the pro's! The professionals, who wouldn't do it if they didn't make lots of money out of it! And won't be beaten by most kids who play in their free time. Now, I'm a kid who plays in my free time, and I don't claim to be able to beat the best of them, sure, maybe in a 60-40 I'll get lucky, flop trips before quiting while I was ahead, but it's unlikely, not yet anyway! I can't understand the allure though. They are basically saying, come play in the toughest poker room around! I'm quite happy with CD poker quite frankly! I'm playing slightly higher levels now where there aren't too many French players, and quite frankly, I don't mind calling stations as long as I can identify them early on.