Oh the Controversy! The Debauchery!

Wow, this blog requires a foreword… It is quite simply my interpretation of what I caught on television tonight, recounted without pulling any punches. When I decided to write this blog, it was initially going to be about ‘Cops with Cameras’, which would just have turned political owing to the stupid sentencing the criminals received. I was going to give it a philosophical cause and effect title and everything, but whatever, I sold out instead!

The News and the Russell Brand Malarkey

Russell Brand controversially joked and told Fawlty Towers actor, Andrew Sachs, that he'd slept with his granddaughter, during a prank call on his radio show. Andrew Sachs' granddaughter, 23 year old Miss Georgina Baillie, is 'angry and upset' over the cruel remarks. According to her publicist, "She is also very upset because her granddad is very upset and she thinks the world of him.” The Office of Communications (Offcom, the independent regulator and competition authority for the communication industries in the United Kingdom) are said to have launched an investigation following 10,000 complaints to them and the BBC, and two more complaints to the police, as it illegal to convey information of an obscene or offensive nature over the telephone. I'm sure we're probably thinking the same here... What kind of person says things like that? How heartless do you have to be to upset a legendry actor and taint his poor granddaughter, publicly? How can someone hurt innocent, undeserving people like that? What kind of an animal is Russell Brand? Right?

Come on... you know me better than that!

WRONG! What the media have omitted to mention is that the stupid drama queen Georgina 'Voluptua' Baillie, habitually poses in very skimpy clothing, posts photos on her Bebo titled 'Voluptua in Slut House', and is part of a band called the 'Satanic Sluts' which promise "cheerleader massacre, voodoo sacrifice, vampire brutality and much much more", and whose songs consist of lyrics such as 'Plundering a virgins cunt and ripping out her guts, another whore of evil made, we call Satanic Slut Satanic Slut', and ‘This bitch of hell starts to grin, she can turn a holy man to a world of sin, taste the sweet nectar that comes from her hole, first you loose your body and then you loose your soul’, which probably explains the basis for Brands' actions if his debaucherous reputation doesn’t! Until recently her Bebo interests were lingerie and alcohol, and she believed that the best form of exercise was pole dancing! It seems fairly evident Brand was in fact telling the truth, this can be backed up by her publicist’s comment: “She thought he wouldn't do that and she didn't expect it”. Of course not, I mean someone like Brand, do something like that? Nah! Of course not! It might negatively affect his impulsive, satirical and sarcastic image! Get real Voluptua!

I do hope Andrew Sachs is also in on the ploy should it be a mere publicity stunt, because if he's not, judging by his reaction to Brand's recent comments, he's going to be distraught if the little stunt does pay off and he hears his innocent little granddaughter singing the following song:

Drive you fucking wild, like a beast out of control
She'll down you like a six-pack, once her tongue it starts to roll
She's always got the need, she'll fuck you like a whore
Once you've had her darkened lust, you'll sure be back for more

(Just don’t tell her granddad!)

The sweet and innocent Miss Baillie

The Whale that Blew Up in the Street

I was at the gym and just as I was about to complete my 3km jog on the treadmill, I noticed a rather imaginatively titled documentary was about to begin on Channel 5. I had noticed it being advertised a few days ago, before storing that information in the part of my brain which vaguely remembers topics, but omits dates, times and titles. It really serves as a reminder so that the next time I come across the information I remember to store it in a more secure, reliable part of my brain! Ingenious system I know, I think we all have it; the only problem with me is that I sometimes apply it to people too! It’s the ‘oh yeah, I know him from somewhere’ factor! Anyway, ‘The Whale that Blew Up in the Street’ was all about a whale which blew up in a street. A Giant sperm whale to be exact, in Taiwan. Now I know what you’re thinking, Islamic extremist, but no! Apart from the fact this whale was already dead, it didn’t have 6 Kilos of C4 strapped to around its waist! The theme of the documentary itself was slightly disappointing. I mean there wasn’t any CCTV footage or videos subsequently released on YouTube from the whale’s organisation threatening the Western world while holding a harpoon to a helpless dolphin’s head! (I’m really asking for it now!) Anyway, it all basically came down to the body naturally decomposing and thus releasing natural gas which causes the body to expand and yada yada yada, and owing to the fact whales dive as far as 3000 feet their body is made to withstand immense pressure which was another factor in yada yada yada, and yada yada yada! You get the gist of it I’m sure! Anyway, what astounded me was that the explosion of the poor whale was said to be as strong as that of 2 Kilos of dynamite, which got me thinking. People go to so much trouble nowadays to hijack planes; they stuff explosives in their shoes, they try and smuggle it on board in liquid form in drink cans or in hair gel containers, or as a German couple did recently, simply in their luggage! But if a giant sperm whale can cause an explosion equivalent to two kilos of dynamite, surely that’s enough to bring a plane down! And there’d be no suspicion of malicious intent either… Ok, granted, it might be a tad expensive, what with the extra 59,980kg over your specified luggage allowance if you fly British Airways; however, maybe consider Emirates, it may be a tad more expensive, but do the maths, they allow you 30kg of luggage, which means you’ll only be paying for 59,970kg, although since you won’t be going all the way, it might not be such good value after all – unless of course you book a return a return flight and plan the explosion on your way back, and although you’ll have pay the excess baggage both ways, you will be getting ¾ of your value as opposed to just ¼, that’s just something for the money conscious terrorist to bear in mind! If the cost difference between the two airlines outweighs the price of the excess baggage, then of course it’s not worth it! Or maybe you could book it a seat or something? Apparently in America now they are charging fat people for two seats, hey, if you can get away with that, go for it! I mean, even if they charge you for three, it’s most probably going to be cheaper than the excess baggage fee! Then, having justified taking a giant, dead sperm whale on board the plane, you just have to ensure it explodes at the right time, if it blows up in duty free for example, it’s just going to be embarrassing, premature, and reminiscent of your younger days!

The imaginatively titled documentary also got me thinking about something else: Pinocchio. The deepest human dive on record is of 308m. Large sperm whales dive as deep as 3000 in the search for deep sea squid. Monstro the Whale (the whale in Pinocchio) had a reputation as being a ‘whale of a whale’, suggesting it might have been even bigger than the large sperm whale, in fact, it probably dives as deep as 3000m in the search of large sperm whales in search of deep sea squid! Humans would be crushed to a bloody pulp at 500m owing to the pressure… And quite frankly I think Pinocchio should have stopped complaining about not being a real boy, with real organs who breathed oxygen, because had he been when he got swallowed by Monstro, he’d have been fucked!

Well, anyway, please forgive the profanity in this blog, I was going to use asterisks but figured the more profanity I allowed the higher the chances of this blog being flagged by cyber nannies and lower the chances of it being found by terrorist organisations who either hunt me down and kill me, or take my advice! (Because they use cyber nannies, obviously! I mean they wouldn’t want to come across a picture of a woman not wearing a veil!)

I love this feeling I get having just cleaned the apartment following days and days of slumber. It usually comes when I run out of cutlery, which ends up beneath all my crockery in a sink which has not only began to breed mosquitoes, but is slowly developing its very own civilization of little rat-dwarf-people who emerge at night and survive off of the breadcrumbs on the surfaces and the mould in the cupboards! (I am exaggerating by the way (they're much more like mice-dwarf-men!)) Anyway, now it's looking lovely, I'd like to get round to mopping the floor tomorrow and sorting out the balcony for the first time since... well, since I moved in really. I need to sort out the bookshelves and fix the hinge on the cupboard, but that can wait until next week!

I got through to my Mum this evening, she sounded a bit like you'd expect one to sound having just recovered from an operation in which (another) pin is inserted into one of your bones. Surprisingly slightly cheerful nevertheless! I asked her if it hurt, she replied: "I don't know yet!". I'd be surprised if she remembers having spoken to me tomorrow though.

Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep. All that hard work made me sleepy! Good night!














The rat-dwarf-men living in my sink, caught on camera! (They can walk up walls too!)

A Thought and Me vs. 118118

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF... IF WHEN YOU LEFT WORK YOU COULD JUST STRIP DOWN TO YOUR UNDERWEAR, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES BEHIND AND STEP INTO A HUGE WATERSLIDE IN THE STORE ROOM? THEN SLIDE ALL ACROSS TOWN, PICK UP A SNAC K ON YOUR WAY, ALL BEFORE ARRIVING HOME A FEW MINUTES LATER?

I was so excited when I saw that on TV... it really brightened up my day! Just the thought of it! I think they should do something like that somewhere in the world, somewhere looking to invest in tourism! I don't know, Las Vegas would kick arse! Singapore maybe? At the moment they can just about aspire to attracting people to stop over on their way to somewhere else... But with one of those waterslides, people could actually connect!!! Wouldn't that be great? Singapore to Malaysia by waterslide? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *inhale Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Maybe you could even take a nap along the way!

Anyway, let's be serious now, and start complaining. Something I'm quite good at. Indirect complaining though, not to the actual establishment which caused the disharmony; that would be too imprudent! 118118 is a directory inquiry service in the UK which has recently released a new service: "Ask us anything!" Let's watch another video:

Other advertisements suggest you can ask 118118 such questions as 'Where don't the laws of nature apply?' and 'What's Homer's favourite recreational vehicle?' (They sponsor the Simpson’s). Now, after my Mum broke her arm on Tuesday, I relied on this directory enquiries/ask us anything service, as I was out, and needed the phone number for the British Consulate in Portugal. So, I phoned 118118, and asked the chap for the phone number for the British Embassy, just to be told, they can't provide that service and I'll need to call international directory enquiries! "Ah, ok" I said, "I was under the impression I could you anything...", the gentleman, failing to understand the logic, replied:
"Yes sir, we do provide that service, what is your question?" To which I asked:
"What's the phone number for the British Embassy in Portugal?" There was a very long pause, after four seconds or so, I was pissed off the they couldn't answer the simplest of questions, and that it had cost me 55p to fid out that they're all they're doing is cashing in on the novilty and people's stupidity in asking ridiculous questions to which there are too many variables to give a proper answer. At that time I had better things to do than argue my point over the phone. But I might call back at some point and see it through when I have more time. I could sue them under the 1967 Misrepresentation act and get my 55p back.

Anyway, it's getting late, I did want to write about John McCain. And also the British Humanist Association's plans to stick a new, anti-god slogan on London's busses, backed by Dawkins himself! However, I'm tired and will leave it until tomorrow now!

Night night!

The Happening - A Good Bad Film

So, I watched M Night Shaymalan's The Happening a coupe of nights ago. It's about a terrible 'wind' which when inhaled leads people to lose all rational thought and kill themselves as quickly as possible. (Not that type of wind! People weren't running round point fingers going "he who smelt it dealt it" before killing themselves!) Anyway, Mark Wahlberg and his girlfriend who had recently eaten desert with another man (no, seriously), ended up fleeing North East USA with John Leguizamo's daughter (who became a memorable actor in my book following a, though poorly cast, great performance in Love in the Time of Cholera as Lorenzo Daza). After turning around upon seeing dead bodies down a road they were going to take, they eventually arrived a crossroad and met an army Hummer, a soldier ran out and told them that there were bodies so many miles back on the road he'd just driven down, ruling it out as a possible escape route. Eventually another couple of cars turned up and they all concluded that they were surrounded by this wind, which seemed to be attacking the roads! So, they decided to progress through the forrest on foot. Eventually, and predictably, they were killed of one by one as if they were in a bad horror film (Hmmmmm!), which serves to reinforce my theory, work with me here...

If this wind makes you kill yourself, either by shooting yourself, using your hairpin to stab yourself or leaping to your death, why wouldn't you tie yourself to a tree? All these dopey victims just happened to find themselves near new and exciting ways to die! Duh! Come on, isn't it obvious, stay away from the petrol driven lawnmower, don't climb up to the roof, don't carry a knife!!! Or hey, failing all that, get a gas mask! Of course very few films would exist should they entail any common sense whatsoever! If common sense wasn't discarded in the interest of drama, entertainment and outrageous twists, Bond would have been dead long before the baddie's monologue about his plans to over the world, John McClane would have retired long ago and George Bush would never have become President of America...














"Is he tying himself to a tree? Why didn't we think of that Honey?"

Is it coz you ain't black?

Just in the queue to order a Venti latte at Starbucks, and the black dude in front of me and his black girlfriend began pissing me off. He was trying to ask the Polish chick behind the counter (who speaks very good English) not to put too much chocolate on his coffee, now, that's not too difficult, watch: "Don't put too much chocolate on my coffee." See? Anyway, I'm there, playing with my phone, and when I look up, this bloke somehow managed to screw it up completely, rambling on in ebonics, expecting people to understand what he says... finally having managed to express his concerns as to the amount of chocolate he wants on his coffee, his girlfriend tels the Polish chick she'd like something else, before deciding what it was she wanted, to which the Polish chick cheekily replied: "In English". at this point the black girl said something along the lines of: "I am speaking English, it's the way I talk, if I say full-on you don't know what that means do you? Do you know what full-on means? But I'm speaking English, it's just the way I speak, do you understand?" To which I felt like saying: "Don't nobody understand what you is sayin' ho, dis is like, England, and you is gotta speak da Inglish around 'ere, ya feel me? - As for yo dawg ova' der, he betta make up his mothafuckin' mind as to how he want his coffee, or am-a bust a cap up in his ass"

I know I'm not normally this racist, but they were really playing the stereotype, expecting other people to understand them, despite the very obvious fact that the people they were talking to represented different cultural backgrounds! It almost reminded me of the British when they go abroad... almost!

Georgie Porgie Unmasked

So, before I begin this post, I need to tell you what a 'Favourite' is... It is historically used in reference to the companion of a ruler, or an important person. Prudently, a favourite can be used in reference to a lover, of either sex. So, now let's talk about Georgie Porgie. Porgie was King James The 1st's favourite. Despite there being a passage linking the bedchambers of King James and Georgie, and letters Porgie wrote to the king stating "I naturally so love your person, and adore all your other parts, which are more than ever one man had" and "I desire only to live in the world for your sake"; and the fact that King James referred to Porgie as his "Sweet child and wife", there is apparently controversy as to whether or the two of them were lovers??!?!?!?!?!! (Hmmmmm!) Georgie Porgie was indeed married to Lady Katherine Manners. Lady Manners probably didn't cry as Georgie Porgie granted her family royal monopolies, titles and money, making them among the most powerful in the kingdom. However, Georgie Porgie was quite the heartthrob, King James nicknamed him Steenie after St.Stephen, who, according to one of the greatest works of fiction ever written, the Bible, stood before an assembly of enemies, having been accused of speaking sinfully against God, with a face that looked like the face of an angel. So, who might Georgie have kissed and made cry? The Queen of France... In 1625 Georgie apparently created a scandal at the French court, after "revealing his passion" for Queen Anne. Anything beyond that, according to my research, most likely originates from Alexandre Dumas Pere's, The Three Musketeers, which describes Porgie as Anne's lover. And even at that, I can only find three sources which indeed link the two. Now, the question remains, why did he run away when the boys came out to play? Well, Porgie lead various expeditions, and because of a lack of training and bad planning, he and his remaining men often returned unsuccessful. On one particular expedition, Georgie Porgie tried to trace Sir Francis Drake's actions, in taking the port of Cadiz and burning its fleet, however, upon coming across a warehouse full of wine, Porgie and his men decided to get drunk and call off the attack, abandoning the smaller port they had occupied further down the coast, and leaving! Parliament later tried to impeach him for the failure of the expedition.

I can only assume that pudding and pie represents the praise and money lavished on Georgie in being the King's last favourite, and all else that entailed (pudding and pie!). Kissing the girls, possibly the Queen of France, or possibly a reference to his younger, more frivolous days. And running away when the boys came out to play, may possibly be representative of his failed expeditions.

I don't know about you, but I personally feel as though the evidence lacks consistency in relation to the nursery rhyme! I mean, we were thinking of a mischievous little boy with chocolate around his mouth, who sneaked up on vulnerable little girls sporting pigtails and wearing sandals, before kissing them and running away before they could catch a glimpse of his face... Someone slightly podgy, who wore braces to hold his checkered trousers up and who never grew up, a boy who lived in his own world, and who didn't get on with other boys... And I just can't see the confident, ostentatious George Villiers fulfilling this depiction... Unless there are unrecorded connotations to his younger days.

I feel extremely let down by my research... I wanted to discover something much more conclusive... But hey, I guess it suggests that King James the first had two willies!

Have I gone mad? Yhup, it's official!

A Day in the Life of an Unemployed Bachelor

So, a pretty standard, easygoing day in the life an unemployed bachelor I guess! I woke up around 10:00, cleaned the flat (it was messy), lost some cash playing poker, applied for a couple of jobs, passed an RAF Intelligence Analyst decoder test in 15 minutes, won my money back playing some more poker, took my gym bag for a walk, bought a DVD, chatted with some friends online, ate dinner, watched a movie, applied for another job, and now I'm blogging! You can just tell I'm high maintenance can't you? Hard to satisfy and all that. Anyway, I was going to try and fit in another movie (JSA) before going to bed, but I think I'm too tired. I'm probably going to go to sleep listening to LBC instead (radio).

This feels like a bit of a pointless post come to think of it, I haven't actually said anything profound, meaningful or political! Eh! Oh well... Try this for fun:

http://www.raf.mod.uk/careers/iadecodercomp/

(Not that I have any desire to join the RAF, I'm probably the least patriotic person you know! I'm European)